One of the best words you can ever say

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One of the best words you can learn to say is ‘No’.  How can you be comfortable saying the word no? Many of us have the Disease to Please, we are people pleasers by nature.  We don’t want to hurt people’s feeling because then we feel bad and that’s no fun.  You need to put your own needs first. You can learn to say no with practice.  When someone asks something of you, take the time to understand why it’s important to the person asking, there is always a reason why.  Listen to them, but be willing to say no. And say no often. “The difference between successful people and the very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything.” –Business Leader Warren Buffet

The way you say no will be the difference between maintaining respect versus damaging the relationship. Your no can still be kind, be honest and sincere when you respond back.  For an example, you could say, “sounds like fun, but I will have to pass. Or I need to take a rain check.” It’s important to take care of your own priorities.  But remember, relationships take time to build, and feelings can be hurt easily.  Respond back to the request as quickly as you can.  As soon as you decide the answer, provide a tactful no, this shows respect and shows the other person to reach out to somebody else. You cannot afford to keep revisiting the subject and the person making the request wants an answer.  Continuing to go back to the dreaded request drains you of your energy and can rob you of your peace of mind.

Many people make the common mistake of ignoring the request. When you ignore the request you appear you are not listening and the other person sees you as disrespectful.  Telling a person, no does not mean you are rejecting them, it’s you setting boundaries.  How many times do you ask a person for a favor and there is dead silence? You can hear the clock ticking in the background. You start to feel uncomfortable.  When you say yes and you really want to say no, it ends up costing you. When we overcommit we burn out.  Play by your set of rules. Transparency allows someone to have the insight to understand why you said no, transparency means being honest and telling the truth. The Bible says, “Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.” –John 17:17.

Be willing to repeat yourself as you may receive pushback. When asked why you said no, stay true to yourself and say no again.  This shows you are listening to them but you are doing what you feel is best.  Having integrity people respect you and you show people who you are. Dr. Phil says, “You teach people how to treat you,” I agree.  When people ask you for a favor, and you do not want to, it’s going to take a good amount of courage to say no.  Being selective and saying no can relieve you from any unnecessary pressures and put you back in control of your life.  Keep your confidence and believe in yourself.  This saves you time and energy to focus on what is important and excel. Looking at guidance from the bible, it states, “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. –Matthew 5:37.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Updated Self

What?

Want to feel better about yourself but don’t know how? Anything you want to change, takes time, effort and practice.  It’s a gradual change that you grow into.  As you become the new you, the updated version of better you. Raise your self-esteem. What you most want from others, give to yourself.  Do you want acceptance, love and support? Give it to yourself.  When you give this gift to yourself first, it is easier for others to give it to you.  Be gentle and kind to yourself, just like you would a young child.  Nurture the tormented child in you.  Calm down the inner child that screams and throws tantrums.

Self-Respect

Respect yourself enough to say no to others. Learning to say no, is one of the best words you can ever use. No need to be a people pleaser, how has saying yes to someone when you wanted to tell them no worked for you? By changing your negative thoughts of self-criticism, you turn it around to the opposite.  Love the part of you that hurts, and you begin to change.  You don’t have to understand why you are this way, or what caused you to feel bad about yourself.  Just love yourself, just do it.  The key is to love this part of you that needs healing.  Do what you need to do at this critical time.  Reach out, call a friend, get a hug, and nurture yourself.  Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel well.   Do not act as if you don’t care.  You do care, and it does hurt when others don’t respect who you are.  Stand up for yourself and let them know they cannot treat you this way.

Write it Down

When your internal voice is screaming at you, stop what you are doing and write it out.  When you write, you are reminding yourself you cannot talk to yourself this way.  Avoid exaggerating and going to extremes.  When you become more aware of the negative language, you can start to turn it around.  If you say things like, “you are not worth it, who cares, who wants you, or what’s the point?”, you are going to start to believe it.  The wisdom of the Buddha says that you become what you believe.  If you believe you are a lunatic, you are going to become a lunatic.

Forgive and Forget

I know forgiveness is difficult but important.  We always seem to hurt the ones we love most.  If you want to keep people in your life you must forgive yourself and others. Over and over and over again.   When you do not, it will weigh you down.  Not forgiving others plays a huge part of your self-esteem.  Your past can control you if you let it.  It is best to forgive the wrongs and move on.  Hanging onto negative memories from the past will keep you stuck and hold you back.

Give yourself a Brake

Choose to see the brighter side of things.  Develop confidence in your own abilities.  Think of the time when you did something right, when you told yourself, “Hey, I got it right this time.”  Feel strong enough to resist feelings of powerless.  Remind yourself you are doing well.  You don’t need to hear it from someone else. Give this gift to yourself and believe in the good words you are saying.  You deserve to feel good.  Stay realistic, know what you can do, and do no go to extremes on things.  It’s not all black or white.  Life is in the gray.

Watch your Internal Dialogue

A common symptom of low self-esteem is the feeling that you cannot perform well in public. One way to tackle this is to make sure you are prepared for your event.  Know what you want to say, before preforming in public.  To face your anxiety, do not run away from people, deal with them.  When you do this, the fear becomes less, it is not as overwhelming.  We like to block out our fears by refusing to deal with them.  The best way to deal with your fears is to learn all about them.  The more you know, the less fearful it is.

Gain Control Over Yourself

Don’t be a complainer.  Sometimes it’s fine to whine, but when it’s all the time, this becomes annoying. We all have problems, do not isolate yourself from other by being negative.  Learn to be assertive, stand up for what you believe in.  Have a solid opinion and give voice to your thoughts and feelings.  When you share how you feel, the world is not as heavy or on top. Have enough self-control to talk in a way that allows others to listen to you.  Half of the battle to conquer your poor self-esteem is to identify when and why you feel a certain way.  If you find you feel low when you are by yourself, make plans to go out and get out more often.  Stay in touch with how you feel throughout the day.  Set appropriate boundaries with others.

Be Charismatic

Charismatic people walk through life as if they have no doubt.  We all have self-doubt every day.  This is something where you have to act as if.  When you are aware of your body posture and the way you carry yourself, you will notice how people respond to you.  It’s basic body mechanics.  Walking with your shoulders back and head up, you feel confident.  Walking with your shoulders slumped and your head down, shows you are depressed.   At the same time, when you are aligned with your right self, people will begin to notice you more.  Your true self will shine through.

 

 

Marie Schulte is a Sociologist and Life Coach specializing in Life Coaching therapy via her private practice in Lenexa, Kansas.  Marie’s areas of expertise include self-esteem, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and stress management.  Marie helps her clients transform their lives.  Follow her on Facebook at Life Coach Marie for more articles.  Visit her website at www.marieschulte.com.

 

 

 

 

 

How do deal with people?

After spending an hour with my mother, I was inspired to write this article.  She has challenged me like no other!  Rather than leaving our visit frustrated and discouraged, I left with an inspired desire to learn how to connect with somebody so close, yet so different than myself.  We all want to be liked, valued, and appreciated. The key to achieving these things is developing sharp human relationship skills.  How do we become more likeable?  The following will answer this question.

  1. BE CONSISTANT

People like consistency.  If your interests, attitudes, and emotions change frequently, you’ll drive yourself crazy and confuse the people around you. Being consistent helps others understand who you are, and what they can expect from you and their relationship with you.  Being reliable is key.  When your mood goes up and down, you wear yourself and others out. Strive to carry a good demeanor and a healthy attitude about yourself, especially when dealing with others.

  1. PUT AWAY YOUR PHONE

When you are engaging in conversation with Jack at work, or Jill at the bar, give them your full attention. Focus your energy on them. Nothing is more annoying than having a conversation with somebody distracted by their phone.  Do not send text messages in the midst of a dialog with another person.  When you commit to a conversation with someone, give them all your attention. Give people your biggest asset, your time. It is a huge turn off if your phone becomes more interesting than the person right in front of you.

  1. ASK QUESTIONS

People want to know you’re listening. Asking questions lets others know you are engaged in the conversation with a genuine and sincere interest.  Sometimes we focus on what we are going to say next, we don’t hear what the other person is telling us. It’s amazing how much respect and appreciation you will receive simply by asking the other person questions and encouraging them to talk about themselves.  When you listen carefully, you’ll have an easier time remembering their name, an important date, or other important information that you’ll want to recall. When the other person realizes you are actually listening, you’ll build trust quickly. Practice listening and asking questions. You’ll be amazed at the effect.

  1. LEAVE THE OTHER PERSON WITH A STRONG FIRST IMPRESSION

Research shows most people decide if they like you within seven seconds of meeting you. They then spend the rest of the conversation justifying their initial gut reaction.  If you understand this process, you can use those seven seconds to your advantage and make huge gains from the start.  Showing confidence, having strong body posture, a firm handshake, putting a smile on your face, you’ll have greater chances of making a good first impression. Having a good sense of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself keeps the conversation light, and keeps it moving right along.

  1. HAVE POSTIVE BODY LANUAGE

One of the keys to relationship building is eye contact. Maintaining eye contact with the other shows confidence, creditability, and respect.  Be aware of your body language and the power that it has on the conversation. You can help others feel relaxed and naturally open up to you by keeping your arms uncrossed, and speaking in an enthusiastic tone. Being cognizant of your gestures, your tone of voice, and your facial expressions will make a difference in the course of the conversation and what happens afterwards.  When you are at ease, the other person is naturally more at ease. Recognize that there is power in the act of touch.  Research shows relationships with high levels of trust also have higher levels of touch. Drawing people to you is sometimes less about what you say, but more about how you say it.

  1. BE APPROACHABLE

When you have a friendly demeanor that is warm, you’ll become inviting and other people will more likely to interact with you. Greet new people with warm kindness and use active listening skills. Do more listening than you do speaking. If you’re willing to give advice, be as willing to listen to the advice from others.  When you are agreeable, you are more approachable.  Do not be the person who knows it all. Be the person who asks questions and tries to see things from the other person’s perspective and point of view. Being respectful of the other person’s beliefs, perspectives and point of view instantly makes you more likeable.

  1. BE THE TYPE OF PERSON YOU’D WANT TO CONNECT WITH

You accomplish this by being honest and sincere. Become vulnerable and by taking chances on people you value. Be somebody you’d want to connect with. Commit to seeing the best in others, even when their shadows seem easier to focus on. Give love. Somebody is searching for a true connection with somebody just like you.

  1. BETTER MANAGE THE ANXIETY

If you find yourself feeling anxious in a social situation, shift your attention away from the nervous butterflies and use that energy to bring yourself back into the situation. You always hear this but it is true, be in the present moment.  If anxiety arises during a conversation with an individual, listen to the words coming from the person in front of you. Listen as they speak, and nod slightly indicating you are receiving their message. Before you respond to their words, give yourself time to pause and think about what you intend to say. The silence before you speak indicates that you are giving some thought to what they are saying and reflecting before you are going to respond.

  1. MAINTAIN POSITIVITY AND OPTIMISM

In times of challenge and controversy, strive to be the person who is positive and optimistic.  We all know one person who is positive and optimistic, we can certainly use more people like this in our lives. Be that person. The can do attitude is such a better vibe than cannot.  If you can provide strength, brighten the outlook, choose the positive and minimize the negative, people will be drawn to you.IMG_1973

IN CONCLUSION

Giving a smile, being vulnerable, and saying yes goes a long way. Likeable people are invaluable and unique. Be a person who brings the best out in people.  People are drawn to people who have fun and are enjoying their lives.  Create a fun life worth living.

 

 

 

 

 

What is Tapping? What is ETF?

lcm_coachingEFT is a technique that works for emotional healing and transformation. It combines Ancient Chinese Acupressure points and Psychological tapping to heal your life. This is a technique I use to help my clients clear emotional issues.

How does tapping work?

When you tap on specific points on your body, say specific statements to yourself outload. An example would be, “Even though I am nervous to talk in front of 100 people, I will go there and be ok.

EFT tapping points on End points of Chinese Meridian

The Chinese Acupressure points are:

1. First is the Karate chop point first.
2. Second is the top of the head.
3. Third is the top of the eyebrow.
4. Fourth is the side of the eye.
5. Fifth is under the eye.
6. Sixth is under the nose.
7. Seventh is the chin.
8. Eighth is the collarbone.
9. Ninth is the under arm.

While taping on the trigger points, make one specific statement outload. It is more effective when using one statement versus multiple statements.

For an example say, “Even though I have this nervous feeling to speak in front of 100 people, I deeply and completely accept myself anyway.” You repeat this phrase at lease three times. Or as many as you need to resolve the issue. This is a very basic tool, but works well and is effective.

Evidence

There is scientific evidence that this nine step sequence works. While tapping keep focused on your issue. The best way to do it is to say the statement outload. “In recent years however, there’s been a growing pool of undeniable research that proves what millions of people all over the world have known for some time now: that EFT produces real, lasting breakthroughs and significantly improves or even eliminates conations that hospital treatments, medication and years of psychotherapy often fail to.” While tapping and focusing on your negative or nervous emotion, you can transform this feeling while staying your statements out loud and dissolving negative feelings. They will be not active in the body anymore. This tool reduces your suffering dramatically.

Unlock your triggers…

lcm_fruitheartDo you know what a trigger is? A trigger is when something happens in life and you start to feel off center.  You find yourself feeling anxious, depressed, guilty or shameful.  As adults we can become triggered by experiences that are reminiscent of an old painful experience. This can be from childhood, or after you experience a trauma in your life as an adult.  Becoming aware of the trigger, and the pain, you can stop engaging in unhealthy behaviors.   A trigger gives you the insight to know yourself better and heal from the traumatic experience.  Learning to live in a way where you cope and deal with the pain is key is healing.

How do you heal from the trauma so you no longer have triggers?

When you expose yourself to the events that stress you out and trigger you you can start to apply facts to the situation.  Each time you expose yourself, you help to heal from the traumatic event.  The key is to watch yourself and your reaction to the emotions that are trigging you.  When you declare your needs to other person and let them know what we need from them, we become clear as to what we want.   This takes a good amount of nerve and strength to confront a difficult problem with another person.

When we hope events would have unfolded as the way we had planned, we see life more objectively.  We become honest about what our needs are. We can stop telling ourselves lies and rid ourselves from unhealthy behaviors. You can then ask for what you need, or let it go and move on.  It is good to have a good friend to call and talk to or a life coach when you are being triggered to calm you down and sort through your thoughts. Then you must have patience to wait and get what you want after you ask for what is needed.

Some triggers can be:

Feeling like you have been taken advantage of, not being herd, being disrespected, or your opinion not valued.  Challenge yourself to let the other person know how you feel. It takes some time and effort but it’s well worth it to get the result you want and change the unhealthy behavior pattern.  Brake the old pattern and create a new pattern of behavior.

Time to Juice!

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Doing a juice cleanse helps to unleash the natural healing power of your body by riding its self of built up toxins. This gives the digestive system a brake from processing the heavy proteins and the fat, in addition to filtering the liver, kidneys and gall bladder.  The result is clean energy and a powerful release of toxins.  The cleanse will leave you energized, balance and focused.  Helps to promote healthy and improved sleep patterns and curbs sugar cravings. This might be the first step toward long-lasting lifestyle change or jump starting a weight-loss regimen by helping to retrain your taste buds.

 

Some signs that it is time to go on a cleanse are: Troubled skin. Allergies. Sleeplessness. Poor digestion, poor concertation. Low energy. Feeling blah. Sadness and anger. Depression. Weight gain.

 

A juice cleanse helps the body to naturally go into detox mode while fueling the body with live enzymes and nutrients.  This is a special treat for the body, the ultimate indulgence and purification.  Our bodies spend an enormous amounts of energy in constant strain of digestion. As we live, breath, and eat, we accumulate toxins in the body.  It is important to take time to release ourselves of these toxins, as they can lead to mental and physical imbalances.  To get back into balance and into shape, a juice cleanse is recommended.

 

When we take time to stop eating solid food, our organs and guts are free to redirect blood and energy to the liver, skin, brain, heart, stomach and other neglected areas.  This allows the body to eliminate toxin and restores our health. Juicing lets the body direct energy from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system, where the body can begin to heal and detoxify.

 

As you cleanse your body, you are peeling away the layers and shedding old patterns as you move towards a new paradigm.  This may pertain to relationships, career, family, food choices and your faith.  It is best to eliminate the following three days before you cleanse: Animal products, refined sugar, processed foods, caffeine, nicotine, and wheat.  This way your body is prepared to be flooded with detoxify enzymes, minerals and nutrients.  Eat raw foods, whole foods, vegetables, smoothies and broths three days before you start the cleanse. Drink lots of water and herbal teas.

 

After the first day of your juice cleanse, the body enters a state of detoxification.  Find a good raw and certified juices to act as the cleansing agent.  The energy that was used for digestion is now working as cleaning agents and enzymes are dissolving the toxins in the body.

 

Fasting for several day allows the walls in the colon release of build up of plaque, allowing the body to maximize the absorption of nutrition though the walls of the intestines. At this state, you may also experience a release of toxic emotions and stored memories, and negative emotions as you build a heightened state of clarity.  When the toxins begin to leave the body, as we purify our body system.  We feel euphoric energy, release of negative emotion, increased mental capacity and feel a higher vibration.  We are now vibrating on a new level and tuned into a new state of consciousness.

 

Coming off from a cleanse is a critical part of the process.  The first day after the cleanse, drink juice soups and smoothies.  In the following days, do the same as you did when you prepared for the cleanse.  This way, you body goes into proper balance.

 

Relationship killers

lcm_heartBeing in a relationship with the one you love is a wonderful experience.  Sometimes when we become upset, we say things we do not mean to our lovers.  This is where self discipline and self control comes in.  Written below I have a few ways to help you not bring damage to the relationship.

When having a disagreement, never threaten to leave.  Do not let it be an option.  A friend of mine who was recently divorced told me he and his ex used to say,  “Should we get the big D?” (D as in divorce),  sure enough, they did.  Make a deal with your partner so that you both do not use this vocabulary.  When you threaten to leave, somewhere deep in the psyche, you  start to look for ways out.  Do not even plant the seed into each other’s mind.

For the greater good of the relationship, put your partner’s feelings first and say you are sorry.  Being able to tank your own feelings, and look at the bigger picture of the relationship, you are  able to move beyond.  You are saving yourself and your partner from  any extra suffering.  Do not intend to hurt your partner.  Try to understand where your partner is coming from and ask questions vs making threats.  Take ownership in the relationship and being able to say I am sorry, “sorry I made you feel uncomfortable.”  By taking ownership of the problem, the problem starts to dissolve.

Remember your relationship is about something bigger.  It’s not about you, it’s not about him, it’s about us.  Making it about the two of you serves you both and gets to the end of the story.  If it looks like he is being mean, what it means is that he is scared and he does not know.

Tell your partner that threatening the relationship is off limits forever.  You both love and care for each other, and this is not an option.  What you can do is share everything with him.  Let him in and this keeps him close.  You want to remiss about the beautiful moments of the day, about what went on, what you liked and how you both love each other.  This creates strong intimacy and bonding.  The stronger the bond, the harder it is to brake the connection.  You are a co-creator in the relationship and you have the power and the ability to create whatever you want.  Create the relationships of your dreams.  If you are unhappy in the relationship, take a look at yourself and see what you can do to change so there is more peace and the love will flow more freely.

 

 

 

 

Fight The Good Fight

We all have a fight going on in our lives. No matter where you are, good or bad, happy or sad, each one of us is facing a fight. You must fight the good fight with faith. The outcome of the fight is connected to what you say. Only say the right things. You will have what you say. Speak your truth, stand up for yourself, stand up to your bullies. When someone says something against you that is wrong, and then they get mad at you because you don’t agree with them putting you down. Just stand up and tell them, “I’m going to make it.” Talk right. Confess right and then you heal from sickness.

The only good fight is when you win. A good win comes out of a good fight and a good confession. You will have what you say. It’s going to be a good fight today, but the devil don’t know it. Say, “I can do this.” Everyone is fighting a fight. You may be fighting for your marriage, your family, you’re home…. to go back to school. You might be fighting to keep what you have. Do not have doubt. Doubt does not win. Do reason. Satin is a master negotiator. Do not negotiate. Simply state what the deal is going to be. You tell the other person what you want and that is all you have to say. Know who you are and what you say will be the outcome of your fight. Say it with a good confession.

If you are depressed, it’s to what you have been saying. Do not give negative words power. Do not bring them to life. Let negative words and thought forms die. Do not let them have power.

Do the right thing. Always do the right thing. Try your best to learn from other people’s mistakes. However, if someone talks down to you, challenges you, threatens you, if a person threatens to take from you what is yours, stand up to your bully, and do not back down. Stand in His glory, for He is the only judge of you. Do not be lazy. Go out and start it and do it today. Fight the good fight and fight to win. Stand up to your bullies, yes, even the bullies may be your own family members, but if you don’t stand up for yourself, who will? Stand up, stand tall, and make a good confession with your good fight and win.